table of contents

the journal

every entry so far: honest reviews of plants that lived (and didn't), guides for the problems every plant person keeps running into, and the occasional rescue log. collected from real windowsills — including yours, if you send yours in.

11 jun 2026guidethe first five plants i'd hand a serial plant killernot a 'top 10 easy plants' list — five specific plants, in order, chosen because each one teaches you something the next one needs.
11 jun 2026guiderepotting without casualties: when, how, and when not tomost repotting deaths aren't the repotting — they're the timing, the pot-size jump, or the watering right after. the calm version.
11 jun 2026guide'bright indirect light', translated into normal wordsevery plant label says 'bright indirect light' and nobody explains it. here's the translation, plus the shadow test that takes ten seconds.
11 jun 2026guidefungus gnats: the full eviction planthose tiny black flies around your plants breed in wet topsoil. the eviction takes three weeks and costs almost nothing.
11 jun 2026guideyellow leaves, decoded: what your plant is actually telling youyellow leaves have five common causes, and 'not enough water' is the rarest one. how to read which message you're getting.
11 jun 2026rescue logpost-mortem: what the calathea taught meshe didn't make it. the autopsy was educational. every mistake, documented for science.
10 jun 2026guideplants for dark rooms and chaotic schedulesnorth-facing window? basement apartment? these survive where instagram plants go to die.
10 jun 2026guideyour soil is repelling water (yes, really)water runs straight through the pot and pools in the saucer? your soil has gone hydrophobic.
10 jun 2026guidestop watering on a schedulewatering every sunday is the #1 reason beginner plants die. check these 3 things instead.
10 jun 2026reviewcalathea: the 11-day funeralthe most beautiful plant i've ever owned, for eleven consecutive days. an honest review.never again
9 jun 2026guideplants your cat can audition for dinnercat-safe plants i'd actually bring home — because 'non-toxic' and 'worth owning' are different lists.
9 jun 2026revieworchid: misunderstood, not difficulteveryone's grandma keeps these alive for a decade and you can't. here's the actual reason.on thin ice
8 jun 2026reviewfiddle leaf fig: the beautiful liarinstagram's favorite plant has a secret: it hates your house. on thin ice.on thin ice
7 jun 2026reviewgolden pothos: immortal (almost)my most unpopular opinion apparently: the best plant you can own is also the cheapest one.buy again
6 jun 2026reviewsnake plant: thrives on neglecti tried to kill this one by accident for a year. it grew two new leaves. a review.buy again
5 jun 2026reviewmonstera: big, dramatic, worth itthe swiss cheese plant forgives almost everything except darkness. a mostly love letter.buy again
4 jun 2026rescue logrescue log: the pothos that came backfound him bone dry, soil like concrete, three yellow leaves. a 20-minute rescue, documented.
28 may 2026reviewrubber plant: sturdy, shiny, hates moving housethe dependable one with leaves like polished leather — until you move it a meter and it drops three of them out of spite. a review.buy again
25 may 2026reviewpeace lily: the drama queen who tells the truthshe faints. completely. flat-on-the-floor theatrical collapse. then you water her and she's fine in an hour. i respect it.buy again
22 may 2026reviewspider plant: the baby machinei bought one spider plant. i now own nine spider plants and have given away six. nobody warns you about this part.buy again
19 may 2026reviewzz plant: the one that waits for youi left this plant alone for two months by accident. it looked better when i came back. an investigation.buy again
16 may 2026guideleaving for vacation: a survival plan for the plantsone to three weeks away doesn't have to end in a funeral. water deep, dim the lights, rig a wick — and ask the neighbor for way less than you think.
13 may 2026guidepotting soil: why the cheap bag suffocates rootsroots need air as much as water, and dense supermarket soil gives them neither for long. the three-ingredient mix that fixes it.
10 may 2026guideterracotta vs plastic: pick the pot for your flawsthe pot material is secretly a watering-personality test. overwaterers need terracotta, forgetters need plastic, and everyone needs the hole.
7 may 2026guidefertilizer: the thing you need way less of than you thinkplant food is the most oversold product in this hobby. when to actually start, how much, and how to spot when you've overdone it.
4 may 2026guidemisting your plants does almost nothing. sorry.the spray bottle is the most beloved useless tool in houseplant care. what misting actually does, and what raises humidity for real.
1 may 2026guidewinter care: your plants are asleep, stop feeding themmost houseplants basically hibernate in winter. the routine that kept them alive all summer is now slowly drowning them.
29 apr 2026guidegrow lights: what actually matters and what's just purpleif your apartment is a cave, a grow light fixes what no care routine can. here's the cheap setup that works and the marketing you can ignore.
26 apr 2026guidewater propagation: free plants from a glass on the windowsillone pothos vine, a pair of scissors, and a jar of water — the gateway drug of this entire hobby, with the two mistakes that trip everyone up.
23 apr 2026guideleggy plants, and the cut that fixes themlong bare stems with a tuft of leaves at the end isn't a growth spurt — it's a hunger strike. the fix involves scissors, and yes, that's terrifying.
20 apr 2026guidewhy your monstera leaves won't split (it's not the fertilizer)everyone on planttok has fenestrations except you. the holes come from two things only — age and light — and you can only shop for one of them.
17 apr 2026rescue logdrooping after repotting: the sulk is part of the procedurerepotted on saturday, full dramatic collapse by monday. transplant shock is normal, temporary, and almost always made worse by helping.
14 apr 2026guidebrown tips vs brown edges: reading the leaf's handwritingcrispy tips, soft brown edges, and entire brown leaves are three different messages. most people answer all three with the watering can.
11 apr 2026rescue logwhite fuzz on the soil: mostly harmless, slightly judgmentalwoke up to white fuzz on the potting soil and assumed the worst. the mold is mostly fine. what it says about my watering is less fine.
8 apr 2026guidethrips: the pest that made me consider fake plantssilvery patches, tiny black dots, and an infestation that laughs at single treatments. thrips are beatable, but only by people with calendars.
5 apr 2026guidespider mites: the pest you smell with your eyesfine webbing, dusty speckled leaves, and a plant that looks tired for no reason. spider mites thrive on exactly one thing you control: dry air.
2 apr 2026rescue logroot rot rescue: surgery for the overwateredyellow leaves, swampy smell, mushy stems. root rot is survivable — if you can resist the urge to water afterwards.